Growing a Human

Thoughts on beginning the third trimester can be summed up as…..

… “I’m so over this.”

The problem with trying to muster up excitement for a little person entering my life, who will require such a massive amount of energy from me, is that I am so exhausted.  Even thinking about taking care of a baby makes me want to take my third nap of the day.  I haven’t had even begun losing sleep in the wee hours of the morning due to this little lady needing to be tended to, and already I feel burnt out on the concept.  I haven’t dealt with a baby in 7 years and I feel like it was a lifetime ago, that all my skills in that arena are beyond rusty and I can’t quite grasp what it will really be like, now that I am not in my early twenties anymore and I have two other kids who still demand quite a lot from me, despite them being halfway through elementary school.

Pregnancy has me wanting to sleep ten hours or so per night, and add a long nap in the afternoons, out on the back terrace in my uber comfy lounge chair.  When my kids are with me I find I’m begging or negotiating with them to do small fetching favors around the house to help prevent my huge self from hauling up off the couch or out of the chair.  They, in turn, forget that I’m not slavemommy to their every whim these days and beg or make deals for exactly the same type of treatment to prevent inconveniencing whatever they are doing and enjoy the full-service mom treatment they have grown accustomed to.  I have to remind them that mommy is growing a little mini-sister these days and running around making them snacks and fetching them water or desired toys is not my forte anymore.

Did I mention I am so tired these days?  I’m averaging one novel every two days and if that implies to you I’m a beached whale flopped on a comfy chair or sofa most of the time, you guessed right.  Because that’s all the energy I have.  Plus the energy to shop online. But back to my wondering how I will survive a baby.  I just don’t know.  It seems like a huge mistake most of the time, at least all the carrying and nursing and waking up in the night…. listening to crying in the car seat when I just gotta drive my kids to school and she needs to come with…..   but especially the nighttimes.  I do not miss that.

——————————–Thoughts at 31 weeks…..——————————–

Shouldn’t I start to love her?  I feel her hiccups against my left hip bone, almost two times per each day.  It’s cute.  She flutters her arms around, in my lower left abdomen area, and kicks her feet up below my right boob.  Lovely.  But….  I feel only love for my fiance and sons.  I don’t feel any connection to this person, and I don’t even feel at all sure that this is such a great idea, this third child plan.  This move that makes me even more entrenched in living  in a country I don’t particularly care for.

I love that it ties and bonds me closer to my fiance, and that he becomes a father, and I’m happy for the little baby girl and the loving daddy and the lovely bond they are sure to have.  But I just can’t get my head around ever feeling anything about her, myself.  I have been planning a homebirth,  researching diaper bags,

baby carriers,

buying up adorable name brand clothes on the secondary market and saving a ton, and we have a fabulous-o stroller that I got for 95% off retail by buying 6 years used:

2013-07-15 13.29.20

But as for having a person to go in it?  I’m not that interested.  I’m into the shopping and birth preparation, not so much quite emotionally attaching to the idea of this little girl.  She’s four pounds now and it’s about time I start getting more excited about meeting her!

I definitely better eat that placenta and get over this.  At least I need to find someone to encapsulate it for me!  Or freeze half-palm sized chunks individually and throw the frozen chunks in a freezer bag, and have my dear fiance make me a smoothie every morning with lots of berries, yogurt, placenta and maple syrup.

——————————————————–Thoughts at 33 weeks———————————————————-

Image

What do you do if your trusted midwife has raised the rates by more than double (almost triple) and you aren’t sure where the cash will come from?   I’ve birthed at the local hospital and I’ve birthed at home and I strongly prefer the latter.  However….

We are heavily in debt and just about to go more so into debt, in order to make our house energy-efficient and green (big investment on the front side, amazing energy efficiency and low cost heating from here on out, getting us off of the pricey and not-green oil option that we are currently using to heat our home).

My trusted midwife’s fee has gone from some hundreds to a couple thousand and I just don’t know if I feel good about us scraping together that sum of cash so that I can spend a few hours at home rather than in the hospital.  My births have been quick, previously, and that puts me in a high likelihood of a very speedy third birth (although anything can happen).  The local university hospital allows you to leave as soon as a doctor has checked out your newborn baby and given the okay, so in theory I could go there for a couple of hours, and then come home.  Most likely scenario is that by the time we arrive there, it is just minutes, or a couple hours at most before the whole process has culminated and mama and babe are ready to bundle up and go home (it’s only a twenty minute drive).  In either scenario, I’d have a lovely doula attending to my emotional support needs, as well as my fiance.  Both would strive to keep interventions away and allow a natural, home-like birth to occur in the hospital.

I hate to make the decision because of unwillingness to spend the cold, hard cash, but then again it’s a lot of cash and cash flow is not our strong suite right now, just months after buying our dream home.  That’s money that we could use for many, many other costs at the moment as our family expands, and in a few hours it’ll be over either way.  How badly do I want to soak in my own personal jacuzzi bathtub during labor?  Two thousand dollars badly?  Gotta think….. tough call!!!!

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